darklordyoshi

Uhg! This week is murder. Wed was 6pm-6:15am, Thurs was 4-4:15, and tonight and tomorrow night it's 1pm to 1:15am. i'm coming in these weird shifts to train the dayshift personnel who didn't get any training when they got hired. Oh wait, they did get trained, just trained wrong. i might have to work 1-1:15 all week next week depending on how the training goes tomorrow. This summer looks like its going to be a busy one. As the saying goes... it's better to burn out then to fade away!

Why do people have to lie? Some lies i can understand... You are a few minutes late to work and you say it was traffic when actually you just over slept. Yeah no big deal. But there are other lies that seem a bit more subtle, that do hurt people. And most of the time these people swear that they aren't lying and get upset when you try to break down their little fantasy world. i don't like to play these stupid games. All this political bullshit. When they lure you in and get you to believe something and then when they are done they discard you like yesterday's trash and pretend nothing happened. And then when you get upset or just don't understand what the hell happened, they get all defensive and say they didn't do anything and it's all your fault, blah blah blah. But i guess it is all my fault in the end. i let them in. i believed the lies. The bullshit. Through all of it i have learned who my friends are and some other valuable lessons. i won't get too into it because this is just a rant so i can let go. Because they already have. it's just hard to accept being an important person in someones life one day and then at the bottom of the i don't even exist list the next. with no explanation. Just... "because". Fuck the hopeless romantic bullshit. Fuck the "nice guy" crap. it's all just bullshit. And yes it's hard to let go. Some people should realize that. OK i'm done... moving on to better things... and better people.

OK... Sunday... First really good time out in quite awhile. Got up and went to a friends' BBQ. Lot's of MEAT!!!!!! Met people saw a few familiar faces and reacquainted with others. Then off to the show. Saw some old friends play that i haven't seen in a long time. Met new people, talked with some familiar faces. After the show i went to Beavertron and partied with Debris and Deadstar Assembly. After we got back to town i partied some more and and had a blast. Got walked to my car.. that fuckin' rocked! Very nice. Didn't get much done the rest of the weekend but saw a good movie spent some quality time with my bro. it was too short of a weekend. Then Wed. it was back to work. This weekend looks promising. =)

Picking up from where i left off... with my lover gone on her own journey, i was again left alone. Then a friendship took a wrong turn. i backed away and let things settle down. i never meant to hurt anyone but there were just some misunderstandings. We came to terms and have remained friends.
i gave up on dating because most of the time they ended up being friends not lovers. Not saying that's bad... just not what i was looking for i guess. All in all though i did make some very good friends, A couple of which have become some of the most important people in my life. Meow. =P
i decided to start concentrating on getting things taken care of with the rest of my life and about to go on my yearly semi vacation for my Bday and Halloween... when i was introduced to her. We hit it off great, seemed to have a lot in common, were really into each other, etc. Things were going awesome for about a month. i was on vacation a lot and we spent (too?)much time together. Then all of the sudden, everything did a 180. Within 12 hours my happy little world was torn apart. And i didn't even know why. it took about a week to piece everything together. i spent the next 2 weeks in emotional turmoil going from crushed to seething anger and back within hours. That one really got to me. i had never been lied to like that and had someone just delete me out of their life for no apparent reason.
i should have learned the first time. i was determined to just go on not worrying about finding someone. After all i don't NEED anyone. Well except my friends, who really came through for me during my descent and gave me the strength to crawl out of my hole of self doubt and loathing.
On the recovery train it happened again, when i was least expecting it. i met her. An angel of darkness. A fallen angel. Never had i imagined that i would be with someone so devine. A couple dates, that i perceived as her only wanting to be friends (my doubts and insecurities came rushing back)and i was about to give up. i resigned myself to what might be a good friend, so i tried to stay positive.
Then she approached me and said she was into me. i didn't know how to take it. i let some time go by and then i called and we talked. it was a hectic time and she was really busy and sort of interested in someone else, so we decided to take things slow and give it a shot. To make it short, i put myself in reserve mode and was willing to wait for things to calm down in our lives. Then i got really sick again. i felt her pulling back but didn't have the strength or energy to do anything... And then she was gone. Reeling, i tried to find out what could have been done, but it was too late. Within weeks i was feeling better physically, but when i tried to communicate with her, everything got twisted and distorted and everything blew apart.
At this time a very good friend of mine also pulled away without explanation. Two of the most important people in my life were no longer there. i was a total wreck. At the same time, the medical situation was getting worse. The thousands of $ in bills were turned over to collections as more and more accrued. Work was horrible at this time due to forced vacations, being understaffed in the first place, and half the crew either not doing anything or screwing things up. it seemed as though my whole world was collapsing. i'm glad i have my friends. They came running. With their help, i regained my feet. Although still writhing, they brought me back from the brink of death. i would have welcomed it.
They taught me no one can help me but me. So that's what i did. i took one thing at a time and have made so much progress. My friend from out of state contacted me and told me why she pulled away. Things are better now. We both have some healing to do. i'm sending her all the energy i can spare. i was approved for some financial aide and am working on making payments for the medical crap. i have been feeling much better. i regret losing my angel, but i am learning to let go. Things aren't always what they seem.
Life isn't a fairytale and being noble only goes so far. i have learned to be cautious, but if i don't take what life offers when it's there, i have no one to blame but myself. No i'm not going to break free of the chains shyness has shackled me with over night... but i'm working on it. i'm taking chances and just accepting things as they come. And letting go of those things that weigh me down. Things aren't perfect but right now they aren't so bad. Sunday was fucking awesome. But i'll save that for next post. Nothing like a cliffhanger...
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Just wanted to correct a few typos and such.

...but not from the beginning. i suppose i will make some posts that are journal type entries and not just metaphorical views from my emotional states. To catch up, i guess i'll start with the events that threw my life into a tailspin that i still haven't recovered from. Nor do i ever expect to.

About 3 years ago all seemed well... well ok not well, but normal for me. Then i started getting sick a lot. At first i thought it was because i was working so much and partying whenever i got the chance. Then i slowed down a little to recover. Butt it was getting harder and harder to shake even a cold. Things started getting really bad so i went to the doc. i had pneumonia. Not walking Pn, (i'll call it Pn... cause i'm lazy)full blown Pn. The doc shook hi head and couldn't believe i wasn't in the hospital or dead.
Anyway, took care of that and kept going. Started to get sick again in a couple of months. Anyway, this went on for roughly a year and a half. 3 Pn's and a bunch of consultations (among them some trips to the Oncologist... which scared the crap outta me) later, doctors came to a conclusion. My doc sat me down and diagnosed me with CViDS. Common Variable immune Deficiency Syndrome.
Wow... well smack me in the head with a bag of bricks and chop off my legs!!! Oh wait, "what the fuck is CViDS?" i asked. Basically it is kind of a cousin to HiV/AiDS. CViDS is a hereditary disease that prevents the replication of type g hemoglobin. Getting kind of freaked i asked the doc what that meant... like long term and stuff. He told me that i can't transmit the disease to anyone (thank goodness) unless it is to offspring. And since i don't plan on having any podlings anyway, that didn't really bother me. So i don't get to have kids, (unless i want to risk them having CViDS) that's not so bad...
Well it also means i have no immune system. in my mid 30s when the disease first started making itself known, my immune system just stopped making antibodies. Hence me getting sick all the time. "So now what?" Well i have to go in every month for a ivig infusion or i gt sick and die. Bummer dude. When i go in for treatment, the first couple weeks i do pretty well usually. Then towards the end of the month my surrogate immune system gets depleted and has to be renewed. So the harder i push myself and the more i am exposed to simple illnesses, the quicker my immune system dies and leaves me vulnerable. So, i depend on the blood of thousands of people to keep me alive every month. A real fucking vampire. Ha ha... i used to always want to be a vampire. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
Why i didn't just shoot myself in the head and get it over with, i don't know. i started my treatments and started only going out very rarely and then only for short periods of time. The whole boy in the bubble shit. Wasn't feeling very good about life at that point... No more suspensions, no more performances, no more anything. The doc even strongly advised against any more body modifications at all. i couldn't live like that.
But as things seemed to be at their darkest, i met a grl. We became fast friends and lovers. i told her i didn't know where things were going and i didn't want to define them, so we just took it as it came. She was scared that i might not be around for long, but was willing to give it a shot. Within a few months we were a couple, and i actually fell in "L". Life was bearable for about 9 months. She held my hand through some dark times. But, nothing lasts forever. We decided to part ways because we were just too different. She left the state to pursue her dreams. She remains one of my best friends even though i haven't seen her in almost a year.
Which reminds me of my most recent "dark" times. it started with something that could have been truly amazing. But that's not how the world works. i'll elaborate on that a little more in my next post. And no i'm not going to name names or give too much detail here. if you really want to know more than this journal, then just get a hold of me and we cam speak of the past and future. About dreams and nightmares ...of fantasy and reality. But don't think i won't want to know your story as well.

Not the naked kind... i swear, that's all some people have on their minds. Anyway, my phone has been acting messed. This morning i got 20 some odd messages dating from the 13th to just a few hours ago. Stoopid phone.
in other news... the past week has been surreal. The ups and downs and twists and turns... i'm glad i didn't lose my lunch. Just trying to get things settled down a bit. Yeah i know, life will never be settled until you die. i have thought of death and it was tempting. So many ways to die... and yet there is the desire to life. Despite the odds. Despite all the fucked up shit that happens every day. So i plow. For perhaps the one good seed that has been sown shall be reaped. i have hope, for sometimes it is all i have. The aggravations, hate, anger, snags, and thorns are there for a reason. Not to defeat us, but to teach. As the poisoned thorn pierces my flesh... i feel... pain, burning, panic. Slowly i pull away and watch the crimson tear emerge. it hesitates as though unsure of this new freedom to which it is born. Gathering courage it grows. Then, as i watch, it takes flight. A quick release as it streams onward following its unpredictable future. i can directs its flow as i wish with simple movements but cannot control it's path. This small droplet of life i return to the source by placing it at my lip. Wiping clean the wound with my tongue i attempt to recapture all that has passed. Smeared and distorted is it's stain at which i stare. The salty coppertone taste in my my mouth triggers thoughts and memories and emotions. Something so simple yet devine.
Yes we can make choices along our paths, but we cannot control all that we encounter along those paths. As i have made choices these past few days. Some good, some not. But it is my life and i choose to live. i accept the pain and laughter. The discoveries and losses. i am happy with who i have become.
My friends are the most awesomest! i paid off the "D"ster. Well almost. One more trade to be made. Got some new fillings. Got out and about. Would like to do more, but we'll see. This next week is a short work week. Yay, Saturday off. Have a meeting with a friend Saturday and then perhapse the noisy little watering hole... Monday is band camp and Tuesday is the ugly place that keeps me alive. OHSU feeds my vampiric needs and then bleeds me dry. i will never understand. Tuesday night is up in the air depending on how the feeding goes. And Sunday... church maybe...? Thank you to my friends. You rock my world!

i got mad at a friend today. i guess there were some things that needed to be said. There still are. i hope we can talk soon and hopefully at least iron some of this stupid shit out. i should start taking things at face value. i look too much into the the good possibilities of what might be and not at the grim reality staring me in the face. i want goodness to persevere and everything to work out for the best. To rescue the damsel in distress and to save the kingdom from certain doom. And the hero falls in *&%#. But usually the damsel doesn't want to be rescued. The kingdom is beyond saving... and as for (that "L" word)... yeah right. Only if you are the villain. Then you'll always come out of things for the better and have the wenches...damsels...princesses...and queens, throwing themselves at your feet. Everyone will like you and stumble over themselves to please you. But i am not a villain. Although the fantasy is tempting... i am a good guy. i will be stepped on. i will get hurt. And i'll do it again. i will stand up for what i believe and i will be strong. i will weather the storm. The good guy will finish last... but i will finish. i am Yoshi, here me roar! Or whatever. Time marches on. The wounds will heal and hopefully the friendship will too. We'll see. Maybe it will all work out for the best... and maybe there will be a surprise twist and everyone will be happy. i do need to stop being so naive though. i admit to my failures and will learn from my mistakes. i'm not perfect, but i am me. And i like me. i'm a great person and will continue to be. Yes this is a rant to blow off steam and to try to feel better. if you don't want to hear the whining and attempts at self empowerment... don't read my freakin' journal.

Shall i pretend i don't care? No. i can't, because i do. i am who i am. if that scares you, good. Fear is what keeps us alive. Those who fear nothing, have nothing to live for. There have been some scary things going on in my life. Being pushed away by those i care about most. Struggling to pay the bills that keep me alive. Wanting to be able to help, when my help is not wanted. Trying to understand my place in this world. Accepting change and the unchanging with tears and laughter, sorrow and hope. i will be here as long as i am supposed to. i may not be able to do or understand everything i would like to, but that is not going to stop me from trying. i owe my life to my friends who put up with my roller coaster. Those who make the time to come see me while i'm sick. Or listen to me whine and bitch when they have their own demons to fight. The little things do make a difference. And even a movie here, or a home cooked meal there... mean a great deal to me. My good friends are Gods to me. i can't do enough to thank them. Don't give up on me because i won't give up on you. Ever. There is light in the darkness. One cannot exist without the other. it will take more than one to make change happen, but every one makes a difference. Wow, ok that's some heavy shit. more humor next time. No promises, but i'll do my best. Maybe. =P

What a bunch of fucked up shit. Hopefully it's over. Lies and bullshit. dishonesty, cheating, backstabbing, fucking, more lying... i don't understand why people can't just be fucking honest. Especially with themselves. i am guilty of this too i guess. Hopeless romanticism. i just want someone i can trust. Who respects me and returns the same honesty i give them. i hate hiding shit. Bottling it up inside. i'm going to work on my communication skills. i am brutally honest... i just have a hard time communicating with people. if someone asks my opinion or opens the subject for discussion, i have no problem stating my opinion. Not forcefully, just honestly. And i need to work on not opening up so much so soon. That kind of honesty tends to scare people off. Grls like to tell me how kinky they are and how they are sex maniacs... but they just don't follow through. Again, more fucking lying. if you aren't into the kinky shit then don't say you are. And if you don't want it all the time don't say you do and then give it up once a week and then tell me we aren't compatible. i want more from a relationship, but i need to realize that sometimes THAT iS THE relationship. There can be caring sexual relationships without having to want to spend the rest of your life with just that person. i need to be able to accept a sexual relationship for what it is, without getting too attached and or being able to walk away from one without feeling guilty if the other person gets too attached. i'm not saying that's all i want. But i need to accept that as a valid relationship. OK... i'm going to bed.

Or rather let me bite you... http://www.monstersgame.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=11029395